The Fan Manual

Perhaps one of the most intimidating spectacles in all of sports is the introductions by this elite rugby squad. Moments from entering the scrum, they attempt to attempt each other with traditional war dances. The New Zealand All Blacks participate in the Haka, which was:

“originally performed by warriors before a battle, proclaiming their strength and prowess in order to intimidate the opposition. Today, haka constitute an integral part of formal or official welcome ceremonies for distinguished visitors or foreign dignitaries, serving to impart a sense of the importance of the occasion.”

I would love to see ANY NFL team come out doing this dance. I’m pretty sure it’s quite frightening for the opposing players.

Here is a video of the spectacle:

What are they saying? Here are the unofficial lyrics:

In April, a construction worker named Gino Castignoli showed his true fan hood and devotion to the Boston Red Sox by putting a piece of David Ortiz into the building of the new Yankees stadium . . . well, not literally. Castignoli placed a Ortiz jersey under nearly 2 feet of concrete hoping to curse the stadium for its duration.

The question is, would you tell someone that you pulled a prank such as this? There have been many pranks that actually worked just because the pranksters didn’t tell a sole before it was done.

Take for instance the Yale students who made the entire Harvard sideline spell out “We Suck”. This prank worked because they didn’t let a soul know about it.

Or perhaps the Harvard students in 1986 pulling this stunt on MIT:

“Using a vacuum, a 1967 Mustang, a weather balloon, a handful of marbles and some talcum powder, a group of students lampooned the 1982 Yale-Harvard football game by inflating a latex bubble at the 46-yard line. The balloon erupted from beneath the turf and grew to about a six-foot diameter before it exploded. The startled crowd of bulldog-haters and anti-Harvardites united in confusion for just a moment, until they realized that the atypical balloon was not donned with “Happy Birthday” or the Easter Bunny — it was covered in the letters: MIT. After the game, MIT school president Paul Gray wrote the Harvard president asking for the contraband techno-lark that caused pandemonium at the rivalry football game. He wanted to put it on display.

The point is, if you are going to pull a prank then don’t tell a soul until you have successfully pulled it off. In the case of Castignoli, I think he would have been much happier if he would have just taken this one to the grave.

In 2003, Nigel Dixon made a play that would capture the media’s attention for years . . . but not because of what happened. Nigel Dixon arrived to FSU standing 7′0” and weighing over 400 lbs. Yes, he maxed out the scales. Within a year, Dixon had dropped nearly 100 lbs, but when he transferred to Western Kentucky he was weighed at 320 lbs . . . about the size of Shaq. What did Nigel do that was so amazing? Take a look:

With the Detroit Pistons making a solid run to the NBA title, one can’t help but wonder “when is the next time ‘Sheed’s going to fo off on another player. Without a doubt, Rasheed Wallace is the Chad Johnson, the John Rocker, the Reverend Wright of the NBA. During the 2000 – 2001 season, he shattered the record for technical fouls and got the call an amazing 41 times. Even during a game against Sacramento, Rasheed reportedly harassed a fan in a light pink shirt because “real men don’t wear pink”. Although this man is considered the ultimate “bad boy” of the NBA, many people can’t help but love the flare he brings to the game. My favorite example of this is Elevator Man’s 100 reasons to love Rasheed Wallace. You can visit his site for this complete list as well as any other Sheed related articles. Although these occurred during his short 2 years in college, it helps establish the love for Detroit’s finest.

• 1. Got thrown out of the McDonald’s All-American Game.
• 2. Allegedly made prophecy after the Cameron game in 1994 to Meek that “As long as Me, Touche, and Jerry are here, we ain’t ever losing here.”
• 3. In his first return to the Smith Center following his departure to the NBA (the Duke game), he hovered over the scorers’ table, yelling to Blue Devil and friend Stan Brunson, “Stanleeee, Stanleee.”
• 4. Tried to psych up his teammates by yelling, “Let’s go out and play like we’re Chicago on NBA Jam.”
• 5. Self explanatory.
• 6. Reporter had to go to the student union arcade to try to find him to do an interview because that’s where he always was, playing NBA Jam or Mortal Kombat II.
• 7. After he got schooled by Tim Duncan in the next-to-last home game of the ‘95 season, he was despondent, and an athletic department official told him not to worry about it but to “just go out and kick Cherokee’s butt on Saturday” in the final home game vs. Duke. He replied, “Oh, I will. Believe me.”
• 8. 10/11 FG, 25 points, 5 fouls in win at Duke, 2/2/95
• 9. Caught an alley-oop dunk from behind the backboard at Dook his freshman year.
• 10. Got his picture taken with Anthony Alfano.
• 11. “Interviewed” Jerry with Rick Sullivan’s microphone at 1994 media day.
• 12. When he was introduced at Dick Vitale-hosted midnight madness during his freshman year, he threw his head back, arched his back, and roared into the rafters.
• 13. Overheard saying “I ain’t making no #$!*ing rap record” during his freshman year, shortly after the release of “Shaq Diesel.”
• 14. 13/19 FG, 7/8 FT, 33 points, 6 Rebounds, 5 blocked shots, 4 fouls in win vs. Joe Smith and Maryland, semifinals, ACC tournament, 3/11/95.
• 15. Fought with Andre Riddick in the 1995 NCAA Tournament Southeast Regional Final against Kentucky. “What an elbow, Jim!”-Bill Raftery.
• 16. He flirted with a really pretty cheerleader throughout 1997 Virginia game at the Dean Dome as he sat next to Jerry.
• 17. Half court alley-oop, 1995 ACC tournament semifinal vs. Maryland.
• 18. Embraced Serge Zwikker after Serge scored 19 against Murray State in 1995 NCAA Tournament second round.
• 19. Made pull up-3 pointer in losing effort at Maryland, 1995.
• 20. 2-page, 4-color Nike ad that appeared in Sports Illustrated in 1995.
• 21. Attempted to brawl with former teammate Chris Webber…in a pre-season game.
• 22. 8/8 FG, 1/1 FT, 17 points, 16 rebounds vs. Marshall, 1/2/94.
• 23. Pearce Landry has gone on the record saying that “Rasheed Wallace is my favorite North Carolina player ever.”
• 24. He avoided interviews following games because he was in the training room calling his moms.
• 25. Turnaround jump shot to ice 1997 game against L.A. to knock Shaq and the Lakers out of the 2 seed in the West for the playoffs.
• 26. Under his personal directory in the 1994 Granville Towers phone book he wrote, “Peace to my peoples in Philly.”
• 27. “Who is Bruce Martin? What number is he? He’s the dirty player, not me. He’s the ring-leader in my book.”– following a fight-marred victory vs. Clemson.
• 28. Threw his shoes in celebration over the telephone wires outside the Dean E. Smith Center.
• 29. 6/6 FG, 12 points, 13 rebounds in second collegiate game ever, vs. Cincinnati, 11/19/93
• 30. Self explanatory.
• 31. Wore a Carolina Basketball sweatshirt as he announced his intention to go pro after his sophomore season.
• 32. In his first few weeks as a freshman at UNC, he walked up to a student in the Granville cafeteria and asking that student if he would please fill up his glass of Coke. It should be noted that Ra was within a few steps of the Coca-Cola machine when he asked the question.
• 33. Ripped off a Wojo pass in the open court, dribbled the length of the court like a gazelle and dunked on said Wojo, while being permitted to yell and hang on the rim sans technical foul vs. Duke ‘95.
• 34. When asked about rating one of his fully extended rim shakers in one of his final games, he responded “Ask Ryan (Sullivan)…he’s the grader.”
• 35. Used and abused top-pick in the NBA Joe Smith each and every time they played against one another in college, a trend that has continued in the professional ranks.
• 36. Quoted from Cameron locker room as saying “There’s going to be a murder in Chapel Hill” following a question about upcoming State rematch in 1995. The ill-timed quote came in the aftermath of the Wendell Williamson shooting on Henderson Street.
• 37. 10/13 FG, 22 points, 12 rebounds, 6 blocks, 4 fouls in win vs. the Answer and Georgetown, NCAA regional semifinals, 3/23/95.
• 38. Allegedly told a professor several weeks following Arkansas Final Four loss that the reason he had not been attending class was that he was embarrassed to be seen on campus.
• 39. As a freshman, made Jerry late for an interview in his Granville room because he wanted to go to KFC.
• 40. Missed the flight to Maui in ‘95 because he overslept, then missed the next flight too.
• 41. Turnaround jump shot to win 1996 NBA All-Rookie game.
• 42. Self explanatory.
• 43. Yelled “Pat ain’t nobody!” in the locker room as media-types huddled around Pat Sullivan following the aforementioned Clemson game in which Sullivan had returned after an extensive layoff due to injury.
• 44. 12/14 FG, 27 points, 8 rebounds, 3 blocks in win vs. Georgia Tech, 2/12/95.
• 45. In his first weekend in heaven at a notably sizable fraternal function, he was reportedly seen dancing in such a way as to allow his denim shorts to dip well below his knees, revealing his underpants, also dangling lower than is socially acceptable.
• 46. Picture of him shirtless, tossing a bucket of water on some poor unsuspecting fool after an especially huge Simon Gratz victory.
• 47. Got caught by CBS cameras dancing to whatever was playing on his walkman as he stood in the tunnel before the 1995 final 4.
• 48. Didn’t list Mrs. Lee’s carrot cake as his favorite food.
• 49. Refusal to shave head in unity with his teammates Jeff, Jerry, Donald, Clyde, and Ed during 1995 NCAA Tournament.
• 50. Computerized simulation in 1995 DTH letter to the editor of Rasheed without hair.
• 51. 21 points, 9 rebounds in win vs. Maryland, 1/7/95.
• 52. Said that it was good to leave Philly for the tranquillity of Chapel Hill because, “I was constantly having to watch my back, hoping I wouldn’t get hit by a stray bullet or something.” Yet, “I’m a city boy at heart, so I do miss it sometimes. Especially my boys. They’re all at Villanova.”
• 53. Had his face on the back of a t-shirt that simply says RA!
• 54. Took the ball at midcourt and racing in for a dunk just before the halftime buzzer in 1995 NCAA Tourney vs. Iowa State … on a bad ankle.
• 55. Got in a fight where he threw the ball off Luc Longley’s head as soon as he entered “the league.”
• 56. Let his hair grow out very long toward the end of his playing days at Carolina.
• 57. Said, “I don’t know of any law that says you can’t have fun on the court if you play for Carolina.”
• 58. Wild celebration (jumping up and down, pointing and laughing) from the bench following Jerry’s “donkey kong” dunk at dook in 1994-95. Can only be seen through careful examination of the video tape.
• 59. Admitted that weasely media-type John Feinstein was the reason he often forced himself to get up and actually go to class.
• 60. His brave attempt to tie the Boston College game as the buzzer sounded with a 3-pointer from the corner.
• 61. 2/23/94, Notre Dame, Ind., North Carolina 80, Notre Dame 71, received first technical foul as a Tar Heel.
• 62. Boyhood bedroom was a basketball court, complete with foul lines drawn on the floor.
• 63. Nasty tip-jam over Price, Meek and Parks, at Duke 1995.
• 64. Manning the cash register, along with Jeff, for a time at Sutton’s.
• 65. Former UNC assistant coach Dave Hanners has called Rasheed “the best practice player, along with George Lynch, to ever come to Carolina. He came ready to play and was always looking to get better.”
• 66. Always wore that black jacket he got from Magic Johnson’s roundball classic with a big Magic Johnson logo on the back…it is assumed he dominated that game from start to finish (also assuming he was not ejected from it).
• 67. 7/11 FG, 5 rebounds, 3 fouls in first start ever vs. Duke, 3/5/95.
• 68. Used to make a point of entering the Smith Center down by the memorabilia room in order to flirt with Smith Center receptionist Angela King.
• 69. He had a solid 2.9 GPA at Carolina.
• 70. The birthmark.
• 71. In 1994 pre-tournament interview with Tom Suter drew the profound metaphor between team chemistry and jello…”See, we are like the dust…we just need to be mixed in right so we can gel.”
• 72. Consistently eluded ESPN hottie Pam Oliver, despite the fact Pam and her crew were literally camped out in the Smith Center for an entire day and how flown from Connecticut to Chapel Hill just to talk to him.
• 73. Never chose a major.
• 74. “Rasheed-me!” –Craig Kilborn
• 75. Never had a car in college.
• 76. “The Need For ‘Sheed.” — Rip City Magazine Feb. 1997
• 77. His high school coach would only play him in the first half and he still averaged 19 ppg.
• 78. “Same old refs, some things never change.” — upon his return to view ACC basketball in person, in support of Antawn Jamison against Duke in the Dome
• 79. That alley oop on Shaq in 1997 NBA Playoffs.
• 80. “HEY! YOU’RE HUBERT DAVIS! YOU’RE HUBERT DAVIS! EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU!” –Upon realizing that his seat at the 1996 Duke game in Chapel Hill was next to Mr. Davis’.
• 81. Snatched the ball when the horn sounded at the end of the 1995 Southeast Regional victory over Kentucky and tossed it well beyond the rafters in Birmingham.
• 82. Ran down the court rubbing Serge’s head after Serge miraculously dunked in a game.
• 83. Vitale on Wallace: “Look out. He’s the elevator man…oh my!!!”
• 84. Agonized over his hurt ankle in the 1995 ACC tournament final.
• 85. Walked onto the Cameron floor in ‘95 to the chant “Hooked on Phonics,” and upon seeing a confused Serge, he leaned over and explained what the Cameron Crazies meant.
• 86. Banked in countless three-pointers in his first-ever midnight madness appearance.
• 87. 9/9 FG, 1/1 FT, 19 points vs. Colorado State, 12/9/93.
• 88. Listed Andre Agassi among the “athletes he most admires” in the 1994-95 UNC media guide.
• 89. 14 points, 4 fouls in first game ever vs. Duke, 2/3/94.
• 90. After the Larry Davis transfer announcement was made, the two were in the cafeteria talking about how much fun the Diet Pepsi rematch (that would never take place) was going to be…in a show of bravado Rasheed uttered “Larry best not bring that *!? inside.”
• 91. His minor skirmish in 1997 NBA Playoffs with Jerome Kersey, after which there was so much love for Rasheed in the crowd that the fans began to cheer “Beat L.A.!” while Rasheed pumped his fist to urge them on.
• 92. 3-25-95, Birmingham, Ala., North Carolina 74, Kentucky 61, received his last technical as a Tar Heel.
• 93. Said on the very first and very last days of his sophomore season that he would be returning to Carolina for another year.
• 94. Not afraid of reacting to any call against him, no matter how solid.
• 95. In college, if he would hack someone, he would keep his hand up in the air as if to say, “Look, my arms were straight up in the air,” but more often than not, his arms were indeed at an angle that indicated that he had in fact fouled whoever was shooting.
• 96. He loves his mother.
• 97. All-time leader in field goal percentage at Carolina.
• 98. At Duke game in Chapel Hill during his first NBA season, as freshman Vince Carter, struggling to get playing time, was just trying to concentrate on the game as he walked to the scorer’s table, Rasheed yelled to him, “VINCE! VINCE! I know you hear me! You better look over here or I’m gonna slap you upside the head!”
• 99. Stood with Jerry and Jeff sans costume in the center of Franklin Street during their first Halloween celebration and looked down on all his other “colleagues” as if they were morons. (A student proceeded to run up to him drunk saying, “Man you look like Rasheed Wallace…good costume.”)
• 100. “We had some phantom technical fouls called when we had Rasheed. I know that. He’d just scream, he was so happy with a dunk and the next thing you know it’s a technical foul. If I ever dunked, I would have screamed. If I’d go up and sky and dunk one, I’d scream too.” –college basketball’s all-time winningest coach Dean E. Smith

There have been many debates over the decades regarding who is the best athlete, regardless of what sport they play. There is the common “Michael Jordan is can fly higher than any man”, or “Brett Farve can throw longer than any man” that seem to dominate these discussions. However, there are two things elements that are always left out of the picture when addressing the “king of the sports”: women and racing. 

In my opinion, the best measure over athletic ability is merely asking yourself “who would win in a fight”. For nearly four years now, two women have been dueling it out in public in a battle to become the poster-girl for women’s sports. Anna Kournikova and Danica Patrick are both beautiful, world class athletes that control the media and search engine rankings for “hottest female athletes”. But today we ask the simple question: which one of these ladies are the better athlete?

Danica Patrick

Anna Kournikova

So how do they match up in size?

Kounikova : Height:5′7″ Weight:113 lbs

Patrick: Height: 5′2” Weight: 100 lbs

Without a doubt, Anna has the advantage in both the height and weight category. However, sometimes the smaller individual can pack the greater punch. 

The average Indy Cart weighs 1,600 lbs minus the weight of the driver and 22 gallons of U.S. $3.69 gasoline. There is no air conditioning, and the majority of these races take place in the blistering heat for 300 to 400 miles. Contrary, the average weight for a tennis racquet is between 10 and 12 ounces. Driving an Indy Cart > swinging a tennis racquet on any level. 

Also, Patrick is better at what she does. While it took her three years, she became the first woman to win an Indy racing event this month with a first place finish at the Japan Indy 300. Kournikova has an embarrassing record of zero individual titles to claim to her fame, however, she does look good while swinging the racquet. 

Without a doubt, the strength, endurance, agility, and determination embodied in Danica would trump Kournikova’s any day. Perhaps we can actually see a fight during next year’s shooting of Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition?

Wow, just wow. I mean, I have seen some hard fouls in the NBA before, but this hit, while it appears not to be deliberate, is as hard a throwdown as you would expect in a mixed martial arts fight.

These types of fouls seem to be more prevalent as of late (or perhaps we are just seeing more of them thanks to the wonderful world of YouTube). I think this is endemic of a shift in the game of Basketball more towards individualistic play.

I am not condemning this type of play - in reality it wins games and is, perhaps, the natural evolution of the sport. However, I do believe that something needs to be done in order to protect the players from others and, frankly, themselves.

I am not quite sure, but I think the following words are likely to make it into the mix:

1. Cross Dressing
2. Prostitute
3. Transvestites
4. Drugs

International soccer sports star Ronaldo of Brazil (yeah, that Ronaldo), had an “encounter” with three transvestite, cross-dressing prostitutes that allegedly involved sex and drugs.

I can only imagine a couple of more items that might make the situation worse.

1. Puppies
2. David Hasselhoff (he always makes things worse)
3. Heelys

But, of course, for that combination to occur in the wild is as likely as Ronaldo ever reestablishing his machismo.

Former track/running/springing super-star Tim Montgomery has done it again. As a hardened, competitive, talented athlete, many of you may remember Tim Montgomery as being the great sprinter holding the 100m sprint record and a Gold Medal relay. You may also remember that he was stripped of these medals and records after being caught using performance enhancing drugs.

However, recent news regarding Marion Jones, female track start extraordinaire, have diminished Tim Montgomery’s Epic Fail as she now is not only stripped of her records, but looking at jail time as well.

But Tim is a hardcore athlete and will. not. be. beaten.

In his finest competitive display, Tim has been caught with 100g of Heroin.

Every now and then you see a shot in tennis that absolutely blows you away. This is one of those shots. It is not show-boating. It is not risky or.

On the contrary, it shows a player completely in control, who knows how to put the ball away even when most players would have already given up.

Oh yeah, and he is playing against one of the best players in the world, Andy Roddick.