The Fan Manual

I have coached youth football and basketball for nearly 6 years now, and I have found one thing to be uncommon. That is children that are genuinely interested in playing the sport for themselves. In many cases the child is pushed by their parents to get in uniform and to hit the field. That is completely fine because it is the coach’s job to make it interesting for them. But one of the best things ever is what the child does to stay entertained during the game. Take for instance this tee ball player. If he isn’t dancing, playing with his privates, or throwing his glove, he’s attempting to keep his actions hidden from his coach. Classic.

The kid’s got moves, that’s for sure. Perhaps he should give up the left field position and cleats then put on the dancing shoes for a while.

Since May of 2003, I have made the annual Memorial Day weekend trip home from college with my buddies to visit the Coca Cola 600. Admittedly, I am a redneck from the hills of Aquadale, North Carolina, a community with no stoplights, no post office, one store, and a larger population of billy goats than people. My first NASCAR experience was with my Uncle Peewee in 1998 (the same uncle who refused to wear tuxedo pants in my cousin’s wedding, then threatened to ‘haunt our asses’ if we buried him in anything besides Wranglers). Anyways, I currently work in the big city, but I love sharing tips and information to my northern brethren about how to survive in the South. It’s more than learning to love grits, sweet tea, or how to whistle the Andy Griffith theme song . . . trust me.

If you want to put your Southern skills to the test, go to a NASCAR race. To make it more interesting, I am challenging you to a game that is 5 years in the making: NASCAR mullet hunting.

Taking pictures of mullets is more dangerous than you think. Southern folk do not like to have their pictures taken. Don’t ask me why, but every Christmas my Grand Ma “Grady” sits in the kitchen eating a cheese ball to avoid the camera. In the sport of mullet hunting, you will be pointing the camera right in their direction. To make things worse, alcohol will be heavily involved. On top of that the temperature will be a scorching 90 degrees and your prey will be on the verge of 3rd degree sunburns. So if you think that blatantly taking a picture of a drunken, sunburned mullet bearer in your new Gucci wear is a good idea . . . think again my friend. Please join me as I take you through 4 vital steps to practicing and surviving the sport of NASCAR mullet hunting.

DRESS THE PART

The first step to fitting in at a NASCAR event is to actually look like you belong at the race. This is a tricky situation, because you can either look like a dumbass not wearing enough of the right clothing, or like a Yankee that tried too hard. You do not want to be on either end in this situation. Here are a few pointers for both men and women so you do not stick out like a sore thumb during the race.

FOR MEN: There are only two options for your shirt, if you opt to even wear one at all. If you choose to go shirtless, be sure to have your friends mark you with either a) a tribal tattoo intersecting a skull or b) a Dale Earnhardt Jr. tattoo proudly displaying the number 8 (he changed his number to 88 this season). Both will be conversation starters and you will be sure to see many more tattoos just like yours while trolling for the backyard follicle surprise. EXCEPTION: If you have six pack other than beer resting on your stomach, keep the shirt on. The presence of abs will evoke taunting and it will be obvious that a) you are from the city or b) you don’t drink enough beer. If you opt to wear the shirt, your two options are either a driver shirt or a flannel shirt, both sleeveless. While picking your driver shirt you have to be ultra selective. Remember, the driver you choose to sport exceedingly represents your morals and personality. If you sport the Jimmy Johnson or Jeff Gordon in North Carolina, it is assumed you are either from California or don’t know anything about racing. Do your research and choose wisely, but the safe bets are always the Dale Earnhardt, Mark Martin, Kasey Kahne, or old schooled driver shirts you can find at your local thrift shop. If you can’t find a driver shirt, the just chop off the sleeves of a flannel and leave it buttoned up half way. For your pants, it’s either jorts or jeans . . . the decision is up to you, but both work.

FOR WOMEN: Women, NASCAR races are your chance to metaphorically experience the Paris runway. To know you are beautiful and being watched all at the same time is a great feeling. During our initial race in 2003, we noticed a peculiar phenomenon occurring at the time. It made absolutely no sense at all, but at the same time we liked it. Women at the race were wearing outfits that would be deemed illegal in 27 of the 50 states in America. Normal society would turn their heads at the women wearing these outfits . . . because it didn’t matter if they were 105 lbs or 280 lbs, the dress was all the same and it was beautiful. Thus, we coined the term “race hott”. The general definition is: a woman who would be deemed unacceptable in regular society due to her figure or scantily clad clothing is deemed hott while inside the confinements of NASCAR. That’s right, no matter what you wear, if you are showing skin you will always be “race hott” in the eyes of men at the race. So women, you can wear whatever you would like, because at the race the world is yours if a little belly is showing below your tube top.

LIVE THE PART

By living the part, I mean setting up your campgrounds or tailgating area. This is absolutely essential to the sport of mullet hunting, because the slightest error in your pre-race routine can easily blow your true intentions of capturing the best mullets on film. Your camp ground should not contain any of the following: foreign made cars, foreign made beers, a radio blasting the Indy 500 happening earlier that day, tofu, a reference to any college besides a southeastern college, a soccer ball, Frisbee, or any music that sounds like THIS. (Trust me, the music will explain EVERYTHING for you). Instead, try driving a Ford, drinking Bud-heavy, playing the entire 2007 Coca-Cola 600 via cassette on the radio, eating an entire rack of ribs, sporting a UNC or USC college sticker, throwing the football, and listening to Hank Williams Jr. Also, any provocative signs that you can include at your campsite will only heighten your chances of success in fitting into the redneck realm (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out the banner in the picture below . . . CLASSY). If you can sit in your site by your cooler with the utmost confidence in your proper clothing, then you’re half way there!

ACT THE PART

Looking and living like a Southerner will get you about as far as a frog in the mud if you don’t know how to properly act. Don’t worry about perfecting a Southern accent because it’s not going to happen overnight and the harder you try, the less you will fit in. Instead, if someone asks you where you are from, simply tell him or her you were raised in (make up a weird name and put ‘Pond’ on the end of it, North Carolina) and that you moved to Raleigh. Through process of reasoning, they will assume your accent disappeared among the city folk, and there’s nothing wrong with that. After your accent has been explained and accepted, attempt to avoid conversations dealing with NASCAR if you have no idea what you are talking about. If you are pulled into one, always say “as long as Gordon doesn’t win” and change topics. For instance:

Man: “The track is recorded at 101 degrees today, they might have some trouble with the tires once the sun sets and it starts to cool off. I hope Martin’s crew members are ready for it”.
You: “As long as Gordon doesn’t win . . .” - It will work every time.

Also, always have a beer in your hand with proper coozie applied. The coozie should be NASCAR relevant, camouflage, or have a reference to beer and no colorful crap. There is no sunshine and rainbows involved in drinking beer; it’s a serious job at the race and your coozie has an essential task. Finally, wave and talk to anyone that acknowledges your existence. This might be hard for people that have experienced the callous nature of the city, but at the race everyone is your friend . . . especially the royalty that boasts backs of necks that have never been blistered by the sun.

THE ART OF MULLET HUNTING

If you have followed the instructions outlined above, then you are well seasoned and ready for the ultimate hunt. There are three rules we always abide by while mullet hunting that you must always keep in mind or your trophy picture will be disqualified.

1. ALWAYS respect the mullet. These men have spent the majority of their lives grooming and tailoring a business in the front, party in the back lifestyle. They are stronger individuals than you, and much more self confident in their appearance. If you can’t sport the hairdo, then respect the men that can.
2. If you are caught taking the picture and can’t lie your way out, then always delete the picture. Save the violence for defending your driver in the grand stands or seeking vengeance for your spilt beer.
3. No taking pictures of kids with mullets. Why? Because dawning a mullet is a life decision and conscious effort that reflects your personality and lifestyle. A mullet isn’t great unless it has been entwined into someone’s life . . . or your skull like Joe Dirt.

The Point System

The mullet hunting point system is rather simple. The location of the picture itself is the first criteria for gaining points.

A mullet from the back acquires one (1) point: There is no skill involved in capturing the mullet from the back. Sure, it shows the style in all its glory, but no guts no glory in this sport.

A mullet from the side acquires two (2) points: I call this style the “Bigfoot” pose. I have found the best way to capture a mullet from the side is by yelling “Boobs” at the top of my lungs. The specimen will begin a prairie dog-like sequence of looking back and forth. The photo opportunities here are endless.

A mullet from the front acquires three (3) points: Only the serious mullet hunters go for this method of photography. There are no secrets or special skills involved in this, you just have to have the guts and ability to capture a mullet from the front.

For each of the following items, add one (1) point: Any woman considered “race hott”, if the man is shirtless, if there is a beer in the picture, if there is a race related tattoo, if there is a tribal tattoo, or if there is a visible “farmers” tan line.

Add two (2) points: If you can include yourself, or another friend in the picture with the mullet.

Add three (3) points: If you are actually touching the mullet in the picture. I have never been able to pull this off, but I am certain there are some natural mullet hunters out there that can.

At the end of the day, view and tally the points for every picture. Your grand total will be the sum of all pictures taken at the race.

CONCLUSION

I love the South, I always have and I always will. For those of you that have never been to a race, or do not think it will fun, this is your answer. For five years I have racked up a total of 1,880 points at a total of five races . . . and I have never placed higher than third. The mullets are there, you just have to go out and find them. There is magic in the air at these races, you just have to ignore the human gases and funnel cake fumes. I look forward to seeing this sport grow as an integral part of the NASCAR pre game ritual.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Before you call me “spoiled” or “looking down upon these people”, think again. I love my Stanly County home (yes, this is the birthplace of Kellie Pickler . . . she’s even my age) and would like nothing more than to be back there some day. I grew up for the first 8 years of my life with a mullet, before switching to a rat tail for 2 years, then sticking with a bowl cut for three. My baby pictures are even mulletrific. My hair has partied with the best, but fortunately my brain told me it was time to switch to only business. Plus I think it’s against the code of conduct at UNC. Below is a picture that closely resembles the aesthetic beauty my mother instilled at the back of my neck as a youngster:

–Colby Almond, Chapel Hill, NC

Here are a few of the mullet pictures taken over the years:

In an ESPN article released today, the received a very rare insider’s view of the purpose and passion in hockey fights. Many players, such as Crosby that have the skill to score but lack the size to punish need protection on the ice. That’s where the big boys come in. The purpose of the enforcers isn’t to look pretty or to score, it’s simply to intimidate the opposition from laying cheap shots on their skill players. That sounds like the life.

A great little excerpt from the article:

Dropping the gloves is the ultimate commitment. Two men going to war is a unique, intimate situation.If you’re a cook, you get greasy; if you’re a landscaper, you get dirty; if you’re a fighter, you’re going to get banged up.

Jon “Nasty” Mirasty embraces the violence on the ice. It has become part of his life as he even sports a “put em up” Fighting Irish tattoo on his right arm.

His rival: Dennis “the Mennace” Bonvie.

Those are some punches I would never want to take. Thank goodness for fighting in hockey . . . otherwise it would be nothing more than field hockey on ice.

Tonight is the game I have been waiting for . . . the Celtics and Pistons meeting up to claim the title of Eastern Conference champions. I’m not a huge NBA fan, but there are two players who absolutely deserve the spotlight and attention in my eyes: Kevin Garnett and Rasheed Wallace. Tonight we finally get to see them face off.

Rasheed has averaged 33.7 minutes per game and 13.9 points. He is shooting 33% from down town and 43% from the floor. Kevin is averaging 37.9 minutes per game, 20.3 points per game, and is shooting 51.3% from the field. Pretty good numbers from such big men.

Let’s hope for the sake of everyone’s safety Sheed gets a win in this series . . . or we could possibly have a recap of last year.

Nasty.

When I think of the most beautiful goals in the history of soccer, I can’t help but flash back to the Messi goal in the 2007 Getafe Cup. It was shocking, unbelievable, and unknown to me, very similar to a goal that had been scored by Maradona over 20 years ago.

It is scary not only how good these plays were, but how similar they were as well. Messi tells his supporters that the reason he is so talented at staying low to the ground and controlling the ball is because he was so small as a kid. I wonder if Maradona had the same predicament growing up?

Everybody has that memory of the best game they have seen. You know, the one where someone pulls of something amazing at the last minute to win. Unfortunately, unless you were at one of the games below, your memory isn’t as cool, or shocking, or amazing, as those who were. In no meaningful order, below are what I believe to be the most spectacular finishes in College Sports History.

#1. Barton vs. Winona State

The Story: Barton is down by 7 points to Winona State. Winona state has won the last 50+ games they have played in, the longest winning streak in the history of Division II basketball, a winning streak that included winning last year’s championship and beating Barton. Barton has fewer than 1000 full time students, Winona State has 8000. Now watch the video…

#2. Boise State vs Oklahoma

The Story: Oklahoma doesn’t lose pretty much ever. Boise State puts up an incredibly valient effort, but with only a minute left, they throw an interception and Oklahoma intercepts, running it in for a touch down. With only a few econds left, in overtime, the amazing occurs.

#3. Duke vs Maryland

The Story: Duke has a great program, no doubt. Duke has a great coach, no doubt. But Maryland has a pretty good program themselves. They are down by 10 points with less than a minute left on the Terp’s Turf. They call this the “Miracle Minute”.

#4: Stanford vs. Cal

The Story: This game was so-over, that the marching band, the fans, and everyone else had stormed the field. Ooops.

#5: Duke vs Kentucky

The Story: Bear in mind that the score is already 102 to 103. Kentucky has a slight lead over the Devils in what was already being considered one of the best games of all time in College Basketball. With more lead changes than you could count on 4 hands, this game was as close as they come. And then came this.

Honestly, his chain broke. He dropped a chain. So he does what any reasonable person would do; toss a $5000+ bike over the side of a bridge.

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that Justin Henin will be retiring from the sport of professional women’s tennis. Henin is the current #1 in the sport and has been a main fixture of womens tennis for quite some time - despite still being young enough to enjoy several more years of success.

Henin is known for being very powerful for her size, a precise and thorough player, and generally very classy both on and off the court. The game will miss her quite a bit.

Perhaps one of the most intimidating spectacles in all of sports is the introductions by this elite rugby squad. Moments from entering the scrum, they attempt to attempt each other with traditional war dances. The New Zealand All Blacks participate in the Haka, which was:

“originally performed by warriors before a battle, proclaiming their strength and prowess in order to intimidate the opposition. Today, haka constitute an integral part of formal or official welcome ceremonies for distinguished visitors or foreign dignitaries, serving to impart a sense of the importance of the occasion.”

I would love to see ANY NFL team come out doing this dance. I’m pretty sure it’s quite frightening for the opposing players.

Here is a video of the spectacle:

What are they saying? Here are the unofficial lyrics:

In April, a construction worker named Gino Castignoli showed his true fan hood and devotion to the Boston Red Sox by putting a piece of David Ortiz into the building of the new Yankees stadium . . . well, not literally. Castignoli placed a Ortiz jersey under nearly 2 feet of concrete hoping to curse the stadium for its duration.

The question is, would you tell someone that you pulled a prank such as this? There have been many pranks that actually worked just because the pranksters didn’t tell a sole before it was done.

Take for instance the Yale students who made the entire Harvard sideline spell out “We Suck”. This prank worked because they didn’t let a soul know about it.

Or perhaps the Harvard students in 1986 pulling this stunt on MIT:

“Using a vacuum, a 1967 Mustang, a weather balloon, a handful of marbles and some talcum powder, a group of students lampooned the 1982 Yale-Harvard football game by inflating a latex bubble at the 46-yard line. The balloon erupted from beneath the turf and grew to about a six-foot diameter before it exploded. The startled crowd of bulldog-haters and anti-Harvardites united in confusion for just a moment, until they realized that the atypical balloon was not donned with “Happy Birthday” or the Easter Bunny — it was covered in the letters: MIT. After the game, MIT school president Paul Gray wrote the Harvard president asking for the contraband techno-lark that caused pandemonium at the rivalry football game. He wanted to put it on display.

The point is, if you are going to pull a prank then don’t tell a soul until you have successfully pulled it off. In the case of Castignoli, I think he would have been much happier if he would have just taken this one to the grave.