The Fan Manual

Last week, I provided the world with what I deemed my first post college tour de force. “NASCAR 101: How to Mullet Hunt and Survive” was a 5 year documentary of my trials and tribulations as an enthusiast of the backyard follicle wonder. However, hundreds of people sent me links and youtube videos on hairstyles they considered more majestic than the mullets dawned by NASCAR fans . . . and I found myself heaven. Call me Nostradamus, because I am predicting the end of the American clean neck by year 2018. Dirty European Soccer Mullets: the future of American mullet tolerance.

First of all, I must rant about soccer and Europe, as well as explain my position with the mullet. I have never played soccer nor been to Europe. As a matter of fact, I have never traveled north of Virginia or west of Dollywood. This spring break, however, I did make my farthest trip away from home to New Orleans, only to return disappointed because hunting gators is apparently against federal law. My credibility in understanding the mullet lies in the fact that I sported one myself for 8 years.

Prior to college, I had an overwhelming distaste for the sport of soccer. I called it soccer, then know-it-all-McGee called it futbol, then his predecessor corrected him with football, then my Uncle PeeWee laid claim on American football, then the town drunk called it that “foot fairy game”, and then a foreign diplomat created the hybrid names of futball and footbol . . . it never ends. The sport seemed to be the bastard child of sports nomenclature. For now, all I ask is that someone provides me with an acceptable worldwide usage for the name of the sport. I took the time to learn the rules on FIFA 08, so please take the time to create a universal name.

Now for what you have all been waiting for, the Dirty European Soccer Mullets. Yes, the fashion declaration that spread to the eastern hemisphere by David Hasselhoff himself has now been intertwined in a sport. Whereas in NASCAR the mullets admire the clean-cut drivers, in soccer the clean cuts respect the mullets. Not respect . . . worship. Take for instance David Beckham of the LA Galaxy. Forbes estimated in 2007 that he netted upwards of $29.1 million, not including endorsements and bonuses. He is a prime example of the indifference of opinion between the American and Euro Mullet. In England, Beckham wore a modified mullet with pride. Many of his teammates and opponents (take for instance, Ronaldo) still wear a full-blown mullet with pride. Unfortunately, in America Beckham’s modi-mullet is no more. Mullets are respected and accepted in European soccer, giving true meaning to the words the “beautiful game”.

If Jimmy Johnson or Dale Jr. decided to rock a business in the front, party in the back lifestyle they would be slaughtered by the media. The only respect that Americans have for the mullet is the pleasure we get in making fun of its existence. As I said in my previous article:

ALWAYS respect the mullet. These men have spent the majority of their lives grooming and tailoring a business in the front, party in the back lifestyle. They are stronger individuals than you, and much more self confident in their appearance. If you can’t sport the hairdo, then respect the men that can.

The point of my argument is that in two different cultures, redneck southern America and European soccer fandom, we have the mullet in common. Only our two cultures can truly rock and respect the hairstyle simultaneously. In America, the mullet is often ridiculed and poked fun at as a sign of “trash” or lower class. In Europe, the elite shampoo their rear-neck riches in the overpowering awe of their followers. The dirty European soccer mullet is free to flap in the wind, to be the last thing an opponent sees as it speeds past, and to be petted by the beautiful women that these men date. The mullet in Europe has evolved into a symbol of wealth and fortune, while in America it has come to mean the polar opposite. The mullet is also making a strong appearance in South America, where the players deem is the “soccer rocker”.

If foreign trends continue, I am predicting a heavy surge of the popularity of soccer in America. And with this rise in soccer comes the dirty European soccer mullets. And with millions of children seeing their mullet-wearing soccer idols on TV, there will be a resurge of mullets in America. Unlike the Billy Ray Cyrus mullet craze, this one will be here to stay. Within 10 years, the mullet will be back and will be respected. If you are one of those people that show a lack of respect for the mullet, then you will not be allowed to rock it when it comes back. For mullet America: prepare yourself for glory because the sport that few Americans understand is bringing back the hair that defines your lifestyles.

Colby Almond

Chapel Hill, North Carolina